the hunger still remains as the styles change

20 Jun

Since I broke my foot, I have gained about ten pounds, which means I am still at a healthy weight for my height, but which also means I no longer fit in any of my pants. I have learned a valuable lesson about buying skintight pants (the lesson is: don’t), but I’m kinda bummed out. I know that my boyfriend and parents and feminists and everyone who isn’t a total jerk thinks I should be happy with the body I have, that I should exercise and eat good food and be grateful for my health no matter what size I am, but WHAT THE FUCK I HAVE NO PANTS!

Sorry. I am pretty lucky to be as thin as I am, considering my hatred of exercise and love of hot dogs, but it’s hard for me to face the fact that it took me a year to lose twenty-five pounds and a month to gain ten. The part of me that wants to be above our bullshit, fat-shaming culture is at war with the part of me that fears being asked “when’s the baby due?” when wearing an empire waist dress (some advice: never ask anyone when her baby is due unless you have seen an ultrasound, and never wear an empire waist dress [unless you are Olivia Hussey in Romeo and Juliet]).

Until I was about 20, I was known as the skinny girl. As a teenager, I was five foot ten and less than a hundred and twenty pounds.

oh whatever like you didn't dress this way in college

Even though I know that maybe a lady’s clavicle isn’t supposed to be quite so pronounced, even though I think I look prettier now, people used to ask me if I was a model. Nobody ever asked me if I’m a model anymore. I finally grew the breasts that I wished I had when that picture was taken, and now I have to get down on my knees at stores to reach the bras in my size. Why are all the bigger bras on the lowest racks? Is somebody watching all the big boob ladies on the security cameras as we scour the racks for something that isn’t white or beige? It’s like all the cute bras are made for chicks who don’t even need them.

I was relating all this to Tara and Althea at Sonny’s a week or so ago. I mentioned how I needed to ride my bike when my foot healed and start eating better. Then I asked if they wanted to get French fries.

“Wait, didn’t you just finish saying you wanted to lose weight?,” Tara laughed.

“Well, I don’t want to lose weight more than I want to eat French fries,” I said.

I almost didn’t write this, because I was afraid that it would look like I was trying to get people to tell me I’m not fat (I know I’m not), and because nobody wants to listen to a size ten bitch about how her pants don’t fit. Clearly, though, part of my problem is that I seriously need to get over myself, so fuck it. This is how I feel, even if it’s pretty silly.

Especially when you consider that I am eating a huge plate of sausage right now.

12 Responses to “the hunger still remains as the styles change”

  1. Rusty June 20, 2010 at 6:22 pm #

    I once told a woman at Whole Foods that she shouldn’t eat swordfish if she is pregnant. Wasn’t pregnant.

    But she was wearing a maternity dress and she was breastfeeding. Thank God swordfish makes breast milk all toxic. Point still stands!

    • Kate June 20, 2010 at 7:30 pm #

      I mean this in the best way possible, but if I had to guess which one of my friends made a pregnancy-related comment to a non-pregnant lady, I would totally have guessed you. At least your heart was in the right place.

      Also, I didn’t know that about swordfish. Is it just the mercury? Man I want swordfish.

      • Rusty June 21, 2010 at 9:52 am #

        Yes, it’s the mercury. Swordfish, tuna, king mackrel, and shark are big no-nos for pregnant women, women that are breastfeeding, and children under the age of five. Even healthy adults shouldn’t have more than one serving of a mercury fish per month.

        The horrible irony is that if that woman went on a seafood diet, it would really have helped her lose the baby weight.

  2. Joel Glidden June 20, 2010 at 7:20 pm #

    I laughed out loud reading this. Thanks. Yes, we all want to be healthy, but we all want to eat french fries, that’s not a difficult idea to understand. The pounds will fall off once your cast does. As for your pants: buy some more pants. Or maybe just one more. It’s summer. Pants are less necessary.

    • Kate June 20, 2010 at 7:31 pm #

      Thanks so much! Next paycheck I will buy some less-hookery pants.

  3. Audrey June 20, 2010 at 9:12 pm #

    Hello my dear. I just text messaged you that we need to hang out because I was reading this and could totally hear your saying all these things.

    On two less-cheesy notes:

    1) I polished off a gallon of ice cream and then hastily bought a box of six eskimo pies when I realized I was ice cream-less. The answer to the pants dilemma is this: no more pants! Skirts and dresses for me all the way, maybe with some leggings underneath if it gets cold.

    2) I challenge you to condemn my bright red, bubble-skirted, EMPIRE-WAISTED, V-neck stretchy dress to not-wearability. I dare you. 🙂

    • Kate June 21, 2010 at 7:40 am #

      Are you going on the cruise tonight? I hope so.

      Your red dress defies all rules of wearability. That thing is adorable, and it has POCKETS.

  4. brian c. June 20, 2010 at 10:09 pm #

    it’s weird how stores and fashion places make everyone feel like they should be skinny, but then I feel like food portion sizes are totally out of control, and shitty food is more than everywhere. i think ben franklin had it right with the whole everything in moderation scheme. joel’s got a point too, why buy pants in the summer, it’s so hot!

    • Kate June 21, 2010 at 7:42 am #

      I didn’t even consider this angle. Shitty food abounds.

      I will listen to Brian and Ben from now on.

  5. bessmarvin June 21, 2010 at 5:03 pm #

    it’s like you’re writing my life story except replace 10 lb.s with 30 lbs, and broken foot with messy divorce. i miss being skinny, but i also love mac & cheese and vegan buffalo wings (slathered in non-vegan blue cheese dressing). i’m finding that the key to looking like a hot bitch at any size is to buy clothes that actually fit. i spent the winter wearing stretchpants and baggy tops, because i refused to buy new clothes that had room for my new (and after some reflection i think improved) booty. i looked like a lumpy hobo in too tight pants. and now, even though i weigh exactly the same… people keep telling me how i look like i’ve lost weight- just because i’m wearing clothes that fit and are flattering.

  6. binca June 23, 2010 at 8:15 am #

    my weaknesses=chocolate soy milk and annies mac and cheese. i could drink a half gallon while eating a whole box of that stuff!

  7. blackgirlinmaine July 11, 2010 at 9:06 pm #

    I can totally relate to this post. I lost over 40lbs 2 yrs ago and had maintained that lost up until mid April when I had surgery and in 6 weeks gained 10lbs. Like you I am dealing with clothes that don’t fit and I rediscovered my love of food. Combined with the fact I am pushing 40 well its interesting to say the least.

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