I have nothing to wear.

6 Jul

I have a room full of clothes, but I am missing some important items.

I have more than five vintage prom gowns. I have saddle shoes. I have two pairs of cowboy boots. I have two fur coats and three fur hats. I have a sequined tube top and a studded bra.  I have two leather skirts. I have a girdle, and piles of seamed stockings to attach to it. I have bracelets from Kenya and t-shirts from Brazil and shoes from India and some pretty awesome legwarmers from Canada. I have two purses shaped like watering cans and two purses with working clocks on the front. I have a drawer full of vintage silk scarves, and another drawer overflowing with slips and aprons. I have three capes: one is attached to a minidress, one is attached to a Sherlock Holmes-worthy wool coat, and one is made of orange leather.

Here’s what I don’t have:

  • Sandals. Tara asked to borrow some the other day, and I didn’t have any. I hate how most sandals look, and my feet hate how most sandals feel, and my wallet hates how much most sandals cost, and I can’t wear sandals to work, but my feet are really hot right now.
  • A plain black t-shirt.
  • A plain white t-shirt.
  • A sundress. It’s so hot today on the third floor, but I know it’s even hotter outside, and I’ll have to put on clothes before I leave the house. If I had a sundress, I’d be all set. I have short dresses and light dresses and flowy dresses, but I don’t have anything that’s really a sundress. A perfect sundress should have little straps or no straps or a halter top, and be just tight/opaque enough at the top to let you go braless if you can, with a skirt that magically floats around your legs without touching you, but is long enough so you won’t flash anybody. Maybe my sundress standards are high, but it seems like every other girl in the world has a dress or seven like this.
  • Pants that aren’t jeans. How did this even happen?
  • A real swimsuit. I have one mustard yellow suit from the 1940s, which was kinda cool looking until I actually went swimming in it. As soon as that thing gets wet, it weighs about fifty pounds. I also have a string bikini that falls off if I try to swim. This was funny at first, but I don’t want to get arrested. Finally, I have a pair of gold striped swim bottoms that I pair with a black halter bra. This fits better than any real bikini top I have found. Pathetic.
  • A thong. My new rule is that if you are worried about visible panty lines, your clothes do not fit you. Also, I hate being constantly aware of my ass crack.
  • Sweatpants. Fuck em.
  • A computer. I have a blog and no computer. I use my boyfriend’s computer to write about clothes while he uses my iPod to play Angry Birds.
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One Response to “I have nothing to wear.”

  1. mouserat July 7, 2010 at 11:48 am #

    let’s go swimsuit shopping! I’ll go throw up…also, if you have visible panty-lines that means your clothes fit properly.

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