FASHION TIPS

13 Nov
  • When shopping online, avoid purchasing items described as “granny,” “grunge,” or “boyfriend.” These words are code for “can be found at most thrift shops for less than five bucks.”
  • Vegan leather? Back in my day, we called that shit pleather, and it was cheeeeap.
  • Your outfit deserves better than flipflops. If you’re gonna wear boring shoes, they should at least have arch support. Exceptions: beaches, dorm showers, hot hot days.
  • If you are going more than a block away from your house, you need to take off your pajamas and put on some real clothes. The whole world isn’t your damn living room.
  • Gold shoes go with everything.
  • If you can’t find pants that fit, you’re not alone. Your body is not weird. OK, maybe your body is weird, but pants are the worst.
  • If you have big boobs and you find a bra that fits for under $15, BUY IT IN EVERY COLOR. You’ll regret it if you don’t, and if you try to go back to the store the next day to buy more, some smarter big boob lady will have gotten there first.
  • Don’t wear anything with the Playboy bunny on it. It just makes everyone feel sorry for you. Exceptions: anyone 80 or older.
  • Wear shorts under miniskirts so you can go up stairs and not worry about creeps looking at your butt.
  • Wear a coat; it’s fucking cold outside. Didn’t your mom teach you anything?
  • Tights are awesome, especially when they are thick and warm or have cool patterns on them.
  • There’s a whole universe of socks out there for you to explore.
  • Fingerless gloves are adorable, but so are mittens, so get both.
  • You look fine in that swimsuit, so shut up and go in the water. Everyone else is just worrying about their own body anyway.
  • Althea’s tip: Always have a defined butt. I agree. Jeans with a saggy rear make you look like you have a saggy rear. Butts of any size look good in tight pants, and the world will be a better place if people’s butts look good.
  • Nobody ever looked bad in a plaid shirt. OK, probably some people looked bad.
  • You can’t have too many beat up old band tshirts.
  • Get a purse big enough to carry a paperback, because sometimes parties are boring.
  • If you are wearing makeup, why are you wearing sweatpants? What the hell? This combination is so weird. Knock it off. It takes so much longer to put on makeup than it does to put on real pants.
  • Speaking of sweatpants, your ass is not a billboard.
  • You need to wear a shirt under your hoodie. You’re gonna lose a nipple in that zipper, and I’m not going to have any sympathy.
  • Giant logos are tacky.
  • You’re never too tall to wear heels.
  • You’re never too short to wear flats.
  • Head to toe designer clothing is not a substitute for actual personal style.
  • Don’t wear anything uncomfortable (unless it makes you look totally hot).
  • You can mix gold and silver jewelry as long as you try really hard not to look like a middle schooler.
  • Doc Martens are worth the money. Mine have lasted twelve years, and I still wear them all the time.
  • Fancy purses are probably not worth the money, but I wouldn’t know, since I got mine at the L.L. Bean outlet and had to rip someone else’s initials out of it.
  • If other people don’t like your outfit, they’re wrong.
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7 Responses to “FASHION TIPS”

  1. Aileen November 13, 2010 at 5:50 pm #

    now i’m unnecessarily worried about losing a nipple.
    just the mention of it was horrific.

    but you’re awesome. even though i will most definitely have a nipple-loss nightmare tonight.

    • Kate November 15, 2010 at 2:06 pm #

      Ugh I see dudes doing the hoodie-as-shirt thing and it creeps me out to the max.

  2. sweetersalt November 15, 2010 at 12:53 pm #

    Haha, I love all of these. I completely agree about sweatpants and makeup, oh and pajamas. The next time I see some girl bumbling down the road in flannel pants I’m going to throw a pillow at her. She might need it, if she wants a nap.

    Laura

    • Kate November 15, 2010 at 2:09 pm #

      It’s one thing if you are sick and running into the drugstore before going back to bed, but I don’t understand why someone would take a shower, do their hair, put on makeup, and then get dressed in sweatpants.

  3. blackgirlinmaine November 17, 2010 at 10:01 pm #

    I love this list, I often tweet about Mainers caught outside in fashion crimes that would make Stacy and Clinton weep. I think my biggest peeve on this list though is the pajamas outside. I swear I never ever saw this in Chicago and here I see it everywhere. Just yesterday I was at Shaw’s at noon time and there was a grown lady in not only her pajama bottoms but slippers. Why? Dude, that’s what sweatpants are for, granted I am not a fan of them…I am more an abuser of yoga clothes for being casual.

    LOL @ pleather. I didn’t know if it was a cultural or regional thing but I grew up understanding that pleather was fake leather. On the other hand calling it vegan leather makes it sound hip and almost certainly assures that some hippy will be top dollar for it.

    • Kate November 21, 2010 at 4:30 pm #

      The other night, I was in Lewiston, and there was this couple standing in the middle of the street in their pajamas. I wanted to yell, “Don’t you know how many bad decisions you are making right now???” Okay, I guess it’s only two bad decisions, but one makes you look bad and the other puts your life in danger.

      I totally think that “vegan leather” is a way to make people pay more money for pleather. And pleather is such a great word- it sounds like “plastic leather” which is exactly what it is!

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  1. Tweets that mention FASHION TIPS « Sweet Disorder -- Topsy.com - November 13, 2010

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Sarah Christina, Kate Sullivan-Jones. Kate Sullivan-Jones said: FASHION TIPS: http://wp.me/pPNqi-7x […]

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