I am the worst at doing anything in December.

24 Dec

Last night, I dreamt that Find had an amazing sale and I shopped there for hours. I have also had this dream about Ferdinand, and a vintage store that only exists in my dreams. I should not have recurring fashion dreams, but I do.

This week, I got a gorgeous gold fishscale belt at Material Objects to replace my old one that disintegrated. Now I must wear belted dresses forever so I have an excuse for this belt.

stuff I bought just to prove it existed: stripey suspender sweater

1 Dec

I brought some clothes to Find this weekend, so I could get new clothes without spending all of my Christmas shopping money on myself (Find is great for instant gratification, since they buy clothes from you instead of consigning them). I started laughing when Laura held up a red and black striped sweater with attached suspenders.

image stolen from Find's facebook page

“Sometimes, I buy things just to prove they exist,” I said. “I have no idea what to wear with that.”

Laura and I decided that this would be a good feature for this blog: stuff I bought just because I was amazed someone made a garment so weird (coming soon: leather cape, suction cup shirt, terrifyingly huge earrings).

This one is Althea’s fault. We were at the Salvation Army downtown a couple years ago, and she insisted that I could make this sweater work. I don’t regret buying it, but I never could pull it off: with tight black jeans and ankle boots, I looked like Freddy Krueger’s lame attempt at mod. With a short pleated skirt, I looked like a colorblind schoolgirl. I never left the house wearing it.

If you’re more daring than me, it’s for sale at Find on Free Street. Are you up to the challenge?

Hey, it’s my closet!

29 Nov

Everyone needs to go watch this video of me and my closet at Fore Front Fashion.

 

Also, I dyed my hair black. I am now totally confused every time I see my reflection.

it is hard to photograph your own hair

closet tour!

23 Nov

Tonight, Laura and Nate from Fore Front Fashion are coming to see my closet/craft space, which fills an entire spare bedroom. I’m so psyched to show it to them!

Here’s a picture of part of my desk… keep an eye on their site for more!

I need to write about how I ended up with a signed photograph of Jimmy Buffett

writest

15 Nov

The theme last week on my friend Josh’s blog was “fashion” and he and his co-blogger (I don’t know what words to use on the internet) Meg let me submit something late. So, if you’re interested, read a thing I wrote about Polyvore and heroin and what I later learned was an MGMT lyric. There’s a ton of other awesome posts from a variety of writers on a variety of topics on the site, too.

Also, in honor of the fourth Scratchpad reading tomorrow (which you should totally go to), and because I feel like it, here’s one of the pieces I read back in August (I am putting it “after the jump” because it involves a crazy person yelling very rude things):

Continue reading

in defense of Taylor Momsen’s borderline-pornographic outfits.

14 Nov

I don’t watch Gossip Girl, so I don’t really know anything about Taylor Momsen. What I do know is that the entire internet is freaking out because she is seventeen and wearing more eyeliner than clothing.

While I realize that Taylor’s outfits are pretty inappropriate for someone who isn’t old enough to vote, I can’t be offended by this. Why? Because this is exactly how I would have dressed at seventeen if I had only had the money/lack of parental supervision.

At seventeen, more than anything, I wanted to look sexy and tough, probably because, at seventeen, I wasn’t either of those things. I was a breastless string bean whose parents once punished her by taking away the book she was reading.

You may remember from earlier posts what happened when I got to college:

I can only assume it is natural for teenage girls to wear bras as shirts.

Cut Taylor Momsen some slack, because you know your teenage self would kill for those boots she’s wearing in the second picture.

FASHION TIPS

13 Nov
  • When shopping online, avoid purchasing items described as “granny,” “grunge,” or “boyfriend.” These words are code for “can be found at most thrift shops for less than five bucks.”
  • Vegan leather? Back in my day, we called that shit pleather, and it was cheeeeap.
  • Your outfit deserves better than flipflops. If you’re gonna wear boring shoes, they should at least have arch support. Exceptions: beaches, dorm showers, hot hot days.
  • If you are going more than a block away from your house, you need to take off your pajamas and put on some real clothes. The whole world isn’t your damn living room.
  • Gold shoes go with everything.
  • If you can’t find pants that fit, you’re not alone. Your body is not weird. OK, maybe your body is weird, but pants are the worst.
  • If you have big boobs and you find a bra that fits for under $15, BUY IT IN EVERY COLOR. You’ll regret it if you don’t, and if you try to go back to the store the next day to buy more, some smarter big boob lady will have gotten there first.
  • Don’t wear anything with the Playboy bunny on it. It just makes everyone feel sorry for you. Exceptions: anyone 80 or older.
  • Wear shorts under miniskirts so you can go up stairs and not worry about creeps looking at your butt.
  • Wear a coat; it’s fucking cold outside. Didn’t your mom teach you anything?
  • Tights are awesome, especially when they are thick and warm or have cool patterns on them.
  • There’s a whole universe of socks out there for you to explore.
  • Fingerless gloves are adorable, but so are mittens, so get both.
  • You look fine in that swimsuit, so shut up and go in the water. Everyone else is just worrying about their own body anyway.
  • Althea’s tip: Always have a defined butt. I agree. Jeans with a saggy rear make you look like you have a saggy rear. Butts of any size look good in tight pants, and the world will be a better place if people’s butts look good.
  • Nobody ever looked bad in a plaid shirt. OK, probably some people looked bad.
  • You can’t have too many beat up old band tshirts.
  • Get a purse big enough to carry a paperback, because sometimes parties are boring.
  • If you are wearing makeup, why are you wearing sweatpants? What the hell? This combination is so weird. Knock it off. It takes so much longer to put on makeup than it does to put on real pants.
  • Speaking of sweatpants, your ass is not a billboard.
  • You need to wear a shirt under your hoodie. You’re gonna lose a nipple in that zipper, and I’m not going to have any sympathy.
  • Giant logos are tacky.
  • You’re never too tall to wear heels.
  • You’re never too short to wear flats.
  • Head to toe designer clothing is not a substitute for actual personal style.
  • Don’t wear anything uncomfortable (unless it makes you look totally hot).
  • You can mix gold and silver jewelry as long as you try really hard not to look like a middle schooler.
  • Doc Martens are worth the money. Mine have lasted twelve years, and I still wear them all the time.
  • Fancy purses are probably not worth the money, but I wouldn’t know, since I got mine at the L.L. Bean outlet and had to rip someone else’s initials out of it.
  • If other people don’t like your outfit, they’re wrong.

How long has this shirt been at T.J. Maxx?

7 Nov

Seriously guys, somebody needs to buy this shirt. It’s probably been at the Hyannis T.J. Maxx for close to three decades, and it needs a home. How did this happen? Did somebody find it in the stockroom and slap a price tag on it? Or has it been out on the floor this whole time? It was clear, on close inspection, that this shirt was actually vintage, not some misguided attempt at 1980s revival by a modern company.

Even the price tag was bizarre. I mean, the department was listed as “holiday,” and the damn thing is selling for $18.99. What the fuck? No shirt is $18.99. I’ve seen shirts for $12.99, $16.99, and $19.99, but never $18.99, and I go to T.J. Maxx ALL THE TIME.

I’m on Cape Cod visiting my parents, and my mom was totally embarrassed that I was taking pictures of this shirt.

“Why are you taking pictures of that thing? It’s ugly!” she said, backing away to the neverending line at the registers.

Because it’s ugly,Mom!” I shouted after her. “It’s like you don’t even read my blog!”

As the line snaked out even longer behind us, she laughed at my underwear purchases. “I’m going to go to therapy to find out why my daughter wants to be such a slut, and why she always has!” she said, as she paid for my neon orange garter belt.

I love my family. Even more than I love T.J. Maxx.

local awesomeness

2 Nov

My Etsy store has been featured on the fabulous Portland style blog, Fore Front Fashion! There’s a whole bunch of cool shops listed, and I’m flattered to be included.

 

Halloween #1: when will we lead a normal life?

2 Nov

In the shower Friday morning, I decided to be an alien for work. Every year, I get so excited about Halloween. I love candy, crunchy leaves, and cheesy horror movies, but most of all, I love costumes. Every year, I come up with about 17 ideas about what I’m going to be. Every year, I change my mind at the last minute.

It wasn’t hard to find alien-appropriate attire in my room full of clothes. The hardest part was deciding between a kelly green lurex minidress or my suction-cup shirt. I figured I should be a modest alien at work, so I went with three layers of ripped tights in blue, green, and yellow for a scaly effect, a knee-length gold skirt from Find, and my suction-cup shirt. I’ve actually gotten a surprising amount of non-costume wear out of that shirt, which I got for $15 a decade ago when I worked at Filene’s Basement. It’s a nice black t-shirt with six suction cups (each of which are embossed with the words “KISS THE FUTURE!”) on the front and a detachable long right sleeve.

the suction cup shirt, not Halloween, 2009. photo stolen from Bryan Bruchman.

I wore rhinestone earrings that are so large that they have a post for the earlobe and a clip at the top, and fan out like little branches. I painted my face with a mixture of white foundation and shimmery purple and green eyeshadow, then added a shit ton of turquoise and green eyeshadow. I pinned a disposable camera flash to a sequined headband, slipped on some sensible shoes, and headed to work.

Nobody else was wearing a costume. Okay, sure, there was one lady with a pretty sweet sparkly witch hat, but I knew that thing would be crammed into her locker by lunchtime. This is not the first time this has happened to me.

Halloween at work, 2004

one other girl was wearing cat ears

All day long, despite my shimmering green face, people asked me if I was a flapper.

I mean, I know the headband is a classic Halloween-flapper thing, but come on! Green face! Suction cup shirt!

After work, I went to Ferdinand to visit Diane.

Diane

 

“Don’t you wish people dressed like this all the time?” she asked. I do! I totally do! Diane is the best.

Later that night, I greeted my boyfriend’s mother, Kristy, at our front door in my alien costume, then wiped off my makeup in the kitchen so we could go to dinner. We went to see Mike’s new band, Sunset Hearts, and his less new band, Huak, at Slainte. Kristy and I danced up front. It was a pretty great start to the Halloweekend.