I need your help. I need your help finding shorts. I am five feet ten inches tall, so I have long legs and shorts look shorter on me. My shorts are old and falling apart, but stores seem to stock shorts for two kinds of people:
- Soccer moms who want to hide their cellulite under voluminous pleat-front knee length khaki monstrosities
- Sixteen-year-olds who want to look like truck stop hookers in skintight hot pants so short they require a bikini wax
I do not fit in either of these categories. If it’s hot out, I’m not going to worry about who sees my cellulite. Actually, I think maybe if we all stop caring about who sees our cellulite, we’ll see each other’s lumpy thighs and realize that we are all normal. That said, while I’m not interested in hiding my body, I’d rather not wear clothing that exaggerates the fact that the only exercise I get involves walking to the bodega to buy snacks. So, nothing super tight, because that’s not flattering or comfortable in the heat. Also, nothing weirdly short. If you have to worry about whether or not people can see your pubes, you’re not really wearing clothes, you’re wearing glorified underpants with pockets and beltloops, and people around you feel uncomfortable.
So I guess I’m looking for shorts that hit about mid-thigh, aren’t too tight or too baggy, and are stylish in a way that doesn’t make me look fourteen or fifty. If anybody knows where I should go, let me know.
I totally found a purse I liked after complaining about purses on here, so I’m optimistic about my future in shorts.