Tag Archives: spring

Who wears short shorts?

26 May

I need your help. I need your help finding shorts. I am five feet ten inches tall, so I have long legs and shorts look shorter on me. My shorts are old and falling apart, but stores seem to stock shorts for two kinds of people:

  • Soccer moms who want to hide their cellulite under voluminous pleat-front knee length khaki monstrosities
  • Sixteen-year-olds who want to look like truck stop hookers in skintight hot pants so short they require a bikini wax

I do not fit in either of these categories. If it’s hot out, I’m not going to worry about who sees my cellulite. Actually, I think maybe if we all stop caring about who sees our cellulite, we’ll see each other’s lumpy thighs and realize that we are all normal. That said, while I’m not interested in hiding my body, I’d rather not wear clothing that exaggerates the fact that the only exercise I get involves walking to the bodega to buy snacks. So, nothing super tight, because that’s not flattering or comfortable in the heat. Also, nothing weirdly short. If you have to worry about whether or not people can see your pubes, you’re not really wearing clothes, you’re wearing glorified underpants with pockets and beltloops, and people around you feel uncomfortable.

So I guess I’m looking for shorts that hit about mid-thigh, aren’t too tight or too baggy, and are stylish in a way that doesn’t make me look fourteen or fifty. If anybody knows where I should go, let me know.

I totally found a purse I liked after complaining about purses on here, so I’m optimistic about my future in shorts.

When I Go Shopping: Audrey’s Spring Predictions

11 Apr

My lovely friend, the multitalented Audrey Hotchkiss, has shared her style predictions for spring so that you may obey her unquestioningly when you go shopping. It started in Google chat:

Audrey:

I think when I go shopping, I need a lot of nice, shiny shirts.

slinky

is the name of the game this spring

you can quote me on that

Here are some more tips:
  • Tunic-length lightweight sweaters and little capri-lengths leggings
  • Dresses with pockets: they are functional AND flirty and a great way to get a promotion when you’re bending over to pick up a piece of paper in front of your boss.
  • Scandinavian knits are the coolest thing since we remembered that there were a bunch of people living up there. Thank you, Sigur Ros’ last album for that tidbit.
  • As far as footwear goes: ladies – you are in luck, puddle jumpers for EVERYONE and LL Bean has this new cool thing that goes inside them to keep your feet from smelling like dead peoples’ toenails.
  • garter stitch is hot, purl is not
  • Ladies of Portland, ME will not be caught dead making a “bad decision” at a house party in any underwear other than the ones Diane from Ferdinand makes with her own blood, sweat and tears.
She also has ideas for accessories:
You will be seeing a lot of rocks from Maine beaches, probably bottle caps too. I am my own billboard. As for scarves – I think the chic ‘I accept everyone, especially the cultures my government is oppressing’ middle-eastern scarf is OUT. Sure, it looks awesome and I didn’t get to join that fad, but I’ve had enough. The new cool scarf is…well, it looks like this:

this is the cool scarf now

I panicked. I just googled ‘gorgeous scarf’ and that’s what I got, but I’m comfortable with it.

I think I might try to do more of these predictions if any of my other friends are interested. It’ll be fun! As Audrey said, “I like saying what’s cool and what isn’t. It makes me feel powerful.”

Kate the millionaire and Audrey the Riveter on Halloween