Who wears short shorts?

I need your help. I need your help finding shorts. I am five feet ten inches tall, so I have long legs and shorts look shorter on me. My shorts are old and falling apart, but stores seem to stock shorts for two kinds of people:

• Soccer moms who want to hide their cellulite under voluminous pleat-front knee length khaki monstrosities
• Sixteen-year-olds who want to look like truck stop hookers in skintight hot pants so short they require a bikini wax

I do not fit in either of these categories. If it’s hot out, I’m not going to worry about who sees my cellulite. Actually, I think maybe if we all stop caring about who sees our cellulite, we’ll see each other’s lumpy thighs and realize that we are all normal. That said, while I’m not interested in hiding my body, I’d rather not wear clothing that exaggerates the fact that the only exercise I get involves walking to the bodega to buy snacks. So, nothing super tight, because that’s not flattering or comfortable in the heat. Also, nothing weirdly short. If you have to worry about whether or not people can see your pubes, you’re not really wearing clothes, you’re wearing glorified underpants with pockets and beltloops, and people around you feel uncomfortable.

So I guess I’m looking for shorts that hit about mid-thigh, aren’t too tight or too baggy, and are stylish in a way that doesn’t make me look fourteen or fifty. If anybody knows where I should go, let me know.

I totally found a purse I liked after complaining about purses on here, so I’m optimistic about my future in shorts.

Bags

I’m looking for a purse that is big enough to carry my phone, my wallet, my iPod, my planner, a novel, a small notebook, my keys, and my huge tub of Carmex, but is smaller than an overnight bag. I don’t want a weird amorphous sack with a drawstring and giant grommets, which is unfortunate, because these are oozing off the racks at every store. It has to close well enough to protect my stuff from a small amount of rain. I like structure, pockets and compartments, and a thick shoulder strap. I hate contrasting topstitching, giant logos, and overly shiny hardware. I would like it to be a fun color, but it has to be versatile enough to not look out of place with any of my nonfancy outfits. I’m thinking camel or cognac leather (or pleather), or pale blue or mustard yellow canvas. Here are some examples of bags I don’t hate:

awesome bags I can’t afford by sweetdisorder featuring Marc by Marc Jacobs bags

I can’t afford any of these purses. The cheapest one is $235, and the one I want the most is almost two thousand dollars. Even if I had an extra two thousand dollars, I wouldn’t spend it on a purse. What I want is something similar to these purses, but under thirty bucks. I would be willing to pay more if it were handmade. My friend got an awesome leather bag at the first Picnic in 2008, but he couldn’t remember the name of the person who made it. If anyone reading this knows who was selling those gorgeous leather bags, please let me know so that I can end my search for a cheap knockoff. In the meantime, I will scour thrift shops and wait for Marshall’s and T.J. Maxx to stock some handbags that don’t look like blobs with chain straps.

Found

I just wanted to note that vintage clothing store Find has a shiny new website. Find is one of my favorite local stores, and is located dangerously close to where I work. I’ve gotten some really cute stuff there, and sold some of my old cute stuff there as well.