How long has this shirt been at T.J. Maxx?

Seriously guys, somebody needs to buy this shirt. It’s probably been at the Hyannis T.J. Maxx for close to three decades, and it needs a home. How did this happen? Did somebody find it in the stockroom and slap a price tag on it? Or has it been out on the floor this whole time? It was clear, on close inspection, that this shirt was actually vintage, not some misguided attempt at 1980s revival by a modern company.

Even the price tag was bizarre. I mean, the department was listed as “holiday,” and the damn thing is selling for $18.99. What the fuck? No shirt is $18.99. I’ve seen shirts for $12.99, $16.99, and $19.99, but never $18.99, and I go to T.J. Maxx ALL THE TIME.

I’m on Cape Cod visiting my parents, and my mom was totally embarrassed that I was taking pictures of this shirt.

“Why are you taking pictures of that thing? It’s ugly!” she said, backing away to the neverending line at the registers.

“Because it’s ugly,Mom!” I shouted after her. “It’s like you don’t even read my blog!”

As the line snaked out even longer behind us, she laughed at my underwear purchases. “I’m going to go to therapy to find out why my daughter wants to be such a slut, and why she always has!” she said, as she paid for my neon orange garter belt.

I love my family. Even more than I love T.J. Maxx.

Product Review: Betsey Johnson tights

So I bought a two-pack of Betsey Johnson tights. I wore the bright purple ones on my drive from the Cape to Portland last night, because I’m an idiot and I like to get all dressed up to sit on the Sagamore Bridge for over an hour. At least the car in front of me was filled with cute dogs.

I was moved to write a product review of these tights because they are super soft and stay up well without totally squishing me, but mostly because they dry very fast. I learned this on Route 1 in Saugus after I opened a bottle of water with one hand and managed to spill half of it between my legs. Shocked to be sitting in a bracingly cold puddle of Poland Spring, I nearly rear-ended a minivan.

So thank you, Betsey Johnson or whatever factory makes your tights, for making them so fast-drying. You made my four and a half hour drive slightly less awful.

I would also like to thank the two hilarious guys at the Hess gas station for getting me a bun for my hot dog.