treasures

I’ve been making some treasuries on Etsy. Audrey started doing it, then I did, and I’ve discovered that treasury-making may be habit-forming.

(click on pictures to see the full treasury)

this one features a superhot dress from GrandmaJune

 

this one is creepy

 

this one makes me think of Aunt Kelly

Who wears short shorts?

I need your help. I need your help finding shorts. I am five feet ten inches tall, so I have long legs and shorts look shorter on me. My shorts are old and falling apart, but stores seem to stock shorts for two kinds of people:

• Soccer moms who want to hide their cellulite under voluminous pleat-front knee length khaki monstrosities
• Sixteen-year-olds who want to look like truck stop hookers in skintight hot pants so short they require a bikini wax

I do not fit in either of these categories. If it’s hot out, I’m not going to worry about who sees my cellulite. Actually, I think maybe if we all stop caring about who sees our cellulite, we’ll see each other’s lumpy thighs and realize that we are all normal. That said, while I’m not interested in hiding my body, I’d rather not wear clothing that exaggerates the fact that the only exercise I get involves walking to the bodega to buy snacks. So, nothing super tight, because that’s not flattering or comfortable in the heat. Also, nothing weirdly short. If you have to worry about whether or not people can see your pubes, you’re not really wearing clothes, you’re wearing glorified underpants with pockets and beltloops, and people around you feel uncomfortable.

So I guess I’m looking for shorts that hit about mid-thigh, aren’t too tight or too baggy, and are stylish in a way that doesn’t make me look fourteen or fifty. If anybody knows where I should go, let me know.

I totally found a purse I liked after complaining about purses on here, so I’m optimistic about my future in shorts.

Product Review: Betsey Johnson tights

So I bought a two-pack of Betsey Johnson tights. I wore the bright purple ones on my drive from the Cape to Portland last night, because I’m an idiot and I like to get all dressed up to sit on the Sagamore Bridge for over an hour. At least the car in front of me was filled with cute dogs.

I was moved to write a product review of these tights because they are super soft and stay up well without totally squishing me, but mostly because they dry very fast. I learned this on Route 1 in Saugus after I opened a bottle of water with one hand and managed to spill half of it between my legs. Shocked to be sitting in a bracingly cold puddle of Poland Spring, I nearly rear-ended a minivan.

So thank you, Betsey Johnson or whatever factory makes your tights, for making them so fast-drying. You made my four and a half hour drive slightly less awful.

I would also like to thank the two hilarious guys at the Hess gas station for getting me a bun for my hot dog.

Life’s the same, except for my shoes.

I would like to thank Seychelles for making extremely adorable shoes, and TJ Maxx for sometimes selling them for fifteen bucks or less. I have these supersoft gold oxfords that I wear to work most days. I should really get them resoled. They’ve got really smooth soles, and once I slipped and fell on my ass in the middle of Congress Street and almost died because of my gold shoes! Also, the clackity heel inspires old men who walk past me on my way to work to ask me to tap dance, but that doesn’t bother me.

The other Seychelles shoes I have are these adorable black heels:

photo by Aubin Thomas

They are a half size too small, but they were seven dollars, and I can just wear them when I go out and drink whiskey until my feet stop hurting. (Mom and Dad, if you’re reading this [you are], I want to make it clear that that was an exaggeration.)